Diary

The Empress and The Moon

I’m all about being a real-life version of The Empress tarot card, but lately I’ve been feeling like The Moon: despite knowing deep down that I am moving forward in the right direction, I can’t help feeling anxious because I can’t, yet, see as far ahead as I’d want to. And this anxiety is starting to take a bit of a toll on me.

I like to keep most of my posts light, positive and inspiring to those who see them every day. But I also think it’s important to also, once in a while, talk about what’s really going on and possibly start a discussion about a general or particular issue. After all, authenticity is paramount to me, and I refuse to get stuck behind the shiny, perfect facade of social media and make life seem always bright and sunny when in reality, it’s a long succession of ups and downs.

I’m supposed to be asleep because I’m attending an early-morning conference by the most recent Nobel prize laureate and a personal hero of mine. But instead I’m not yet in bed, writing this with a million other tabs open, googling “yoga postures for shoulder pain” and wishing the only two persons I trust to do Reiki on me weren’t three hours away (although I’ll be seeing both of them very shortly). I’m also vaguely pondering the idea of paying a Romanian witch I know for a spell to remove the pain – but hey, I’m a Pisces, don’t judge me for believing in that stuff!

I’m not sipping any herbal tea (or anything for that matter), because after the very long day I’ve had, I feel too weary, both physically and mentally, to go upstairs and boil some water. I listen the whirring noise of the washing machine, and feel strangely self-congratulatory for having put a load of laundry an hour ago, after postponing this task for almost a week, because I was feeling too drained to do it. “This is not you,” says my inner Empress, “you’re a fabulous badass who always has her sh*t together.” But that’s not always the case.

What’s currently going on is that I’m getting closer and closer to an important turning point in my life, and I’m excited but terrified at the same time. On one hand, I’m grateful for all the opportunities, professional/financial or otherwise, that will make this transition smoother than ever. On the other, I’m scared of the change and what it will entail, I’m scared of leaving the familiar behind and going towards something that is partially unknown, despite knowing that this step is necessary – I will never become the woman (or The Empress) I want to be if I don’t jump out from that proverbial plane. I’m just anxious the parachute won’t open (or that there isn’t a parachute in the first place), but on the other hand I feel thankful for having many more tools to deal with this anxiety than I did in the past.  

Last week, the chronic pain in my left shoulder that I’ve been having since last August has reached its worst point. At the same time, my period came ten days earlier than usual, was heavier than usual, and drained me both physically and emotionally for the good part of a week. 

That, and other circumstances, sent me in that familiar state of mental fog where I can’t feel like myself, but instead am floating out of my body, detached from everything. It’s not pretty. It’s not glamourous. I know it’s a relatively normal coping mechanism, but it’s still quite scary to lose touch like this. 

As some things returned to normal, and thanks to the precious help and support of an amazing mom-like friend among others, I came out of that scary mental fog, but the excruciating pain in my shoulder is still here. I know it has spiritual causes, I know all about energy blockages and the like, and I know it will go away once this transition I’m going through is over and I have settled in my new state. 

But in the meantime, I have to confess I’m beginning to feel a bit desperate. I want my shoulder pain to go away, I want the fatigue to go away, I want to get my energy back and reconnect with this faith and confidence that I felt the first three months of 2019, after I had decided this would be my year. 

I haven’t forgotten my blessings. From the basics – food, shelter, etc, to the luxuries that so many people in the world dream of having, to the people who make me happy and strong, and my talents, capacities, and all my sources of income. And this is what I focus on to feel grounded again.

I believe we are all given a double power: manifestation and prayer. We tend to put too much focus on the first as a superpower we can’t function without, and dismiss the second as a weak, easy, passive practise in which we do essentially nothing but ask. But when we underestimate prayer, we forget that it’s here for us when our power of manifestation is momentarily out (because of various disturbances). We forget that when the manifestation batteries are refilling, prayer is always here and doesn’t need energy. Instead, prayers works its miracles when we’re drained out of manifestation power. We ask, and we receive. 

This story isn’t over yet, but I’m praying with all my might that it will have a happy ending. A happy ending that I will bring about with both my manifestation and prayer powers, a little pinch of luck and a lot of fulfilling work. 

After all, 2019 is my year, your year, our year. 

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