While looking at old photos on my phone, I came across a list I made over a year ago of things I was afraid of – I wrote them on a piece of paper then ripped it to pieces and flushed it down the toilet.
I had completely forgotten about this particular ritual (the idea came to me after I’d had a few glasses of wine), but as I read my fears, written in the present tense as if they were real, I realised that many of these things came true in the months that followed.
I was afraid to lose the job I had back then, and I did lose that job.
I was afraid of not finding a place to live for me and Julia, and ended up in a mold-infested dump that I had to run away from in the middle of the night because of a mentally-unstable alcoholic landlord.
I was afraid of my reputation being tarnished, and did at one point have another mentally-unstable alcoholic (!) tell my friends lies about me.
I was afraid, in fact, of attracting more crazy people in my life, and I kept attracting them.
I was afraid that my ex and I would never get back together.
I was afraid of having to return to DC… And I did return.
But now that I look back, I realise two things.
The first is that each of these bad things was a blessing in disguise.
The job that I was so afraid to lose was nothing but a shiny title on LinkedIn. It offered next to no income in exchange for a lot of workplace drama (that often followed me outside the workplace!), stress, anxiety and wasted energy. I came out of that experience determined to never, ever again let my income depend on anyone but myself. Being a Lyft driver is not something I can brag about on LinkedIn, but frankly, I haven’t checked LinkedIn in months and feel great not having to keep up with it and exhaust myself kissing up to big (in reality, medium) fishes to claw my way up the proverbial ladder. I know my intellectual, academic and professional worth, and it’s enough for me, I don’t need anyone’s validation for it. And I’ll have more than enough bragging power/recognition when I am a New York Times best-selling author travelling the world to promote my books, and when my works are adapted into movies and TV series.
The lesson I learned from the unsanitary dump and crazy landlord was that I should have gone with my instincts in the first place, and also planned far in advance and not at the last moment, especially when there’s another living being depending on me and who is affected by the stress of moving and constant changes. Also, ALWAYS run the names of potential landlords into online court databases, and go through their public social media posts with a fine-tooth comb, and ask your psychic/empath friends whether they feel you should get involved with them.
Having someone spread lies about me was another blessing in disguise – it allowed me to see who my real friends were, and gave me the opportunity to distance myself from those who believed such things. Of course, in the moment, it wasn’t pleasant to go through such a thing – it felt as if I was being kicked while already down, but once that initial shock passed, I snapped back into tip-top fighter shape, took necessary steps to protect myself, and was eventually able to laugh about the entire situation.
As to attracting crazies, I became more conscious of it, and sat down with myself to understand why I let such people in my life. I realised that I never trusted my instincts, that I wanted to give people a chance (or maybe subconsciously hoped to change them?) even if I knew from the first second I’d met them that they would cause trouble sooner or later. So I decided to trust my instincts and after a few trials and errors (including a disastrous dating episode that I’ll tell you about soon – you’ll laugh, I promise), I learned to identify the trouble-makers and keep my distances with them or avoid them altogether.
My ex and I never got together. She stayed with the guy that she left me for after I inadvertently sent her into his arms by feeling terrified that she would leave me for him (see a pattern here?) and lashing out at her out of jealousy and fear of losing her. And that, paradoxically because it shattered me at first, turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. It was a wake-up call to me because I realised I kept attracting girls with lots of issues, projecting onto my new girlfriends the things that happened with the ones before, and it always ended up ruining the relationships. So, determined to heal and no longer use relationships to fill emotional voids, I took a complete break from love and dating. For the first time since I turned fourteen, I am not in love with anyone, and I couldn’t feel happier. I am not only healing, but I am learning about who I truly am (instead of moulding myself to fit whatever another girl wants me to be), what I want in life and love, all the while cultivating healthy self-love with myself and building a life I can fall in love with. Soon, I will be ready to attract the perfect life partner, and while I can’t wait to meet her and spend my life with her, I am also incredibly happy right now, as a single woman with the world as her oyster, with endless possibilities at the tip of her fingers.
I did return to DC after all the difficulties and challenges I faced all at once. And it gave me the chance to slow down, to stop fighting against the current, but instead just sit down and breathe and feel safe somewhere familiar where I have my bearings. It gave me the time and opportunity to plan a much better strategy to go live at the beach, and it put people on my way who help, support and encourage me to get to where I want. Returning here gave me the opportunity to make income wherever I want by being my own boss, by not having to depend on anyone other than me. DC jolts my creativity (more on that later), helps me manifest the life I want, and gives me strength by helping me make peace with my past.
The second thing I learned that by focusing on my fears, not just by writing them down but, in the weeks and months that followed, by giving them all my thinking capacity, I manifested them.
But after all these fears came true, I thought I would feel defeated, beaten, like my whole world had collapsed. Instead, I felt strangely empowered.
Because it took all of that for me to realise that if I could bring about things I didn’t want, I also had the ability to speak into existence what I DO want.
This realisation changed everything. 2018 (18 is The Moon in Tarot!) was a year of preparation masked as apparent stagnation, of lessons learned the hard way, but overall blessings.
I decided that 2019 (The Sun!) would be my year, and God, what a year it’s been so far!
Today, Julia and I are safe and happy, have manifested the perfect home for us (our family is about to expand but more on that later!), and are counting the days until we move back to the beach. I am so happy that driving Lyft not only allows me to have decent income, but doesn’t drain me from my creative energy like a regular job would. Instead, I am inspired every single day by people I meet and transport in my car, situations, places… Endless possibilities.
The bottom line is, whatever we want, we can get. We have so much more control over what’s happening to us and around us than we think, and it all begins with our thoughts. If you can attract negativity and fear, it is just as easy – if not easier – to attract beauty, abundance, opportunity and blessings.
Namasté, my darlings!